Thursday, February 19, 2009

All dressed up and nowhere to go!


Sometimes I like to hide from my mom all day and bury myself deep within the bowels of one of her two closets, underneath who knows how many layers of stuff that's stacked and piled and even kind of just tossed in there. It's like an archaeological dig, I tell you! In fact, one morning last week I was hobnobbing with Java Man in there. I asked him if he'd like a cup of java, but then realized that sounded a bit cannabilistic. It turns out he didn't even know what java was and said he'd just take a cup of Sleepytime, thank mew. After only a few sips, he was out like a light! And let me tell mew, boys and girls, JAVA MAN SNORES. I swear a little feather materialized out of nowhere and floated above his ample schnoz as he wheezed his way through dreamland!

So, anyway, after he fell asleep, I was in the closet, doing what I do best, which is NOTHING. And then, for some reason that even I can't quite understand, I felt the irrepressible need to bolt from the closet, right past my mom's chair, where she was working. I was low to the ground, hoping she wouldn't see me, even though I'm pretty hard to miss. She heard me, though, and spun around just in time to see me try to disappear under another chair several feet away to her left.

"Dashy! Are you dashing?" she asked. "What are mew doing? And what are mew doing with my dress draped over mewr back?"

It was true, guys. Sorta. See, while I was in the closet, I decided to try on some of the stuff she doesn't wear that often. I'd been eying this particularly elegant black dress that she thinks puts her in the same league as Audrey Hepburn, and I thought it might look good on me too, especially since it has a twirly skirt which would disguise my ample bum. (My mom would like mew all to know that she herself doesn't have an ample bum. She says the only way I can even think about using her computer to tell mew about the dress is if I make that a-bun-dantly clear!)

So, mew know how when mew hold something up to mewrself to see if it would look cute on mew, it's just not the same as actually putting it on? Well, that's what I did. I put the dress on. I crawled up through the bottom of the dress, and in trying to properly put it on, managed to wedge the neck part around my waist. I wanted to dash to the mirror to see if I could make sense out of the way this dress works (why can't these things be EASY???), and that's when she saw me.

"Oh! I thought the dress was just draped on mewr back!" she said with about 52 exclamation points, laughing like a hyena and jumping up out of her chair to reclaim her precious dress. "I didn't realize mew were actually wearing it!" She had a bit of difficulty unwedging me from the stupid thing. I knew she was concerned about ripping the delicate fabric, but she took special care to extricate me with a minimal amount of damage to either me or the dress.

Is it my fault she has such a scrawny neck that it can't even accommodate my delicate 18 pounds?

P.S. For the record, the dress looks better on ME. I wish Java Man had been awake to appreciate it!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Mewperstitious, much?

Meowllo, everyone!

Listen, I just need mew all to know something. It is NOT MY FAULT that a lot of people actually buy into this blatherskite about Friday the 13th being bad luck. It is NOT MY FAULT that they think that not only is the number itself bad luck but that BLACK CATS are also bad luck and that they have to make a BIG HONKIN' FUSS about seeing a black cat, not only on regular days but especially on this day that has been called BAD LUCK.

I consider my black catness to be a marvelous thing. A fortunate thing. A thing to be admired and adored and cherished. If people want to cower in fear and stupidity at the mere sight of me, that is their problem. I do not buy into it, I do not entertain it, and I refuse to participate. I will meet any such nonsensical behavior associated with the avoidance of black cats with a glance that can only be be described as withering and dismissive. And this glance may, just by coincidence, cause mew to slip on a strategically placed banana peel with one foot and an old fashioned rollerskate (the kind that attaches to the bottom of a shoe with a key!) with the other.

Just so mew know.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Meowentine's Day??


I am going to sleep in two minutes, but before I do, I need to dash off a note to ask all of mew out there a question that is burning up my little brain these past few days: Are we supposed to DO something for our people for Meowentine's Day? Is it not enough that we occasionally swipe their faces with our velvet mitten paws and allow them the supreme honor of stroking our silken tails from time to time in a show of what could pass for a reasonable facsimile of affection if not out and out love?

Or do we have to buy them chocolate (that we can't eat) and flowers (that we want to eat)? Or do we just send them hilarious animated e-cards and bring them a squirrel's tail for breakfast?

Help meowt!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Escape from Meowcatraz!


I just awoke from yet another nap with my mom. This one was longer than what mew would call a cat nap, though, so as much as I would like to call it one, it wasn't. It wasn't as long as some naps we've taken, which can last at least two hours! Those she calls siestas. And no, she doesn't make me wear a sombrero for those, although I must admit I would look really cute in one. She wouldn't look bad in one either, but just between mew and me, I'd look a lot cuter.

So! Yesterday the landlord came down to chat with my mom. He's a very nice older man, sort of a groovy hippie artist type, and he likes to come down and bother us at random times of the day. Mom says he's like Mr. Furley from "Three's Company" only a lot cooler and cuter and without the ascots. So, the two of them were gabbing away, and she was laughing at a lot of stuff he was saying -- even the stuff that, quite frankly, wasn't even that funny (she does this so he will think she's extra charming and not increase the rent, and she must be doing something right because it worked!) -- and I thought, hey, mew know what? Now would be a good time to hightail it outta here!

So, as she stood there on her side of the doorway, acting all coy, and he stood there on his side of the doorway, acting all semi-funny, I took the opportunity to tiptoe between the two of them -- and make my way out into the hallway!! I tell mew, it was a regular escape from Meowcatraz!! Unfortunately, I was wrong in thinking that being all black made me invisible, and she saw me right away and I didn't get any farther than maybe three feet from the two of them. She shooed me back in, and the two of them laughed at me. I didn't see what was funny about that.

I think I probably went into one of the closets later and did something unspeakable in one of her shoes, but I'm not too sure.

Stay tuned!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Mew like me! Mew really, really like me!


I hear it is extremely cold outside today here in Mew York City (which is why my mom isn't letting me out on the patio -- and don't worry, it's fenced in and VERY safe!!!), so I appreciate and welcome any warmth that anyone wants to throw my way (even though it's ever so toasty here in our cozy apartment!). So, imagine how thrilled I was when Pearl, Burt, and Jake honored me with this award:

It warmed the cockles of my heart! (SECRET: I don't know what a cockle is, and I have to admit I'm giggling behind my paw because it sounds naughty!)

This award comes with RULES, though, which ordinarily I am loath to follow. But because I can't ALWAYS be a rebel, I'm going to follow them and share them (but not my food!) with you here:

"LOVE YA" award winner... These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

So, I am hereby giving this award to the six of mew who have added mewrselves as my Followers: Tristan and Crikey; Brownie; HotMBC and Robyn; A Few Good Cats; Samantha and Mr. Tigger; and Tuck. I am also giving it to The Meezers, who were the first to comment on this, my nascent blog; and to Piggy and Grover, because their mom is BFF with my mom!

Really, though, I would award this to so many others as well, but the rules only said EIGHT. So, don't feel sad if I didn't include mew. I don't ever want anyone to be sad!

I hope mew are all staying warm! And if mew live somewhere that has nice weather right now and it's warm outside, I hope mew have a nice patio to lounge on!


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Just a little dash!


Just a short dash (mouth!) of a note before I hit the hay, which is like the equivalent of ten catnaps. I have to get this off my impossibly soft, plush, smooshable chest before I snooze, because otherwise I will forget and then have to do that thing where I wrack and wrack and wrack my brain to remember and come up with nothing! I'm sure mew have done this too. Am I right, ladies and germs (and cats)?

So, this is what I realized! All this time I have been living in this city, I have been pronouncing it wrong! It's MEW YORK, not New York! How could I have been so wrong!

Oh, silly, silly me! MEOWMEOW!



Meoweee! Thanks, again and again and again to all of mew for mewr kind and warm and wonderful welcomes! I am truly touched by mewr interest in me and my little life here in New York City with this ... PERSON thing who talks to me in the weirdest of voices and calls me all sorts of ridiculous names that are purrrr-mutations of my real name!

My real name, in case I didn't already say it -- maybe I did and I've forgotten, I have so much on my little mind! -- is Shana. It's pronounced "SHAY-nuh" (or, actually, the second syllable contains a SCHWA, but I don't know how to type that ... mew know it, though, as "the upside-down e" from elementary school!), and it means "pretty" in Yiddish. My mom didn't name me, though. The person who found me on the train tracks (story to come!) did. My mom likes to call me DASH MOUTH, though, in honor of my little dash of a mouth.

Mew can call me Shana, and mew can call me Dash Mouth, I don't have a preference. Just don't call mew late to dinner! MEOWMEOW!

Good mewrning!


And a great big Good Mewrning to all of mew!

I guess word is spreading like wildfire that there's a new cat in town, because quite a few of mew stopped by to greet me. So, thankmew to all who did! I wish you could all visit me here in New York City. It gets lonely sometimes, even though I hear there are about 142 million people who live on the Times Square subway platform alone and there are at least 500 times that many cats!!

I like my mom well enough, though, but don't let her know that. I like to pretend to be all comfy and cozy on her lap, reaching up every once in a while to stroke her chin with my delicate and tender left paw (made of velvet, I'll have mew know!), and then, when she least expects it, I'll use that same lap as a springboard, and jump up really fast, usually spilling something in the process. She pretends to get frustrated with this, but I know she secretly LOOOVES it!

Have a really wonderful day, to all of mew groovy cats out there!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Is this thing on?

Meowllo, everyone!

And by "everyone", I mean the maybe TWO (rhymes with MEW!) readers I now have! I'm feeling a little self-conscious, now that I have an audience! MeeeYOW!

My mom (is that what we call these non-cat types?) changed my litter today -- a whole new container! -- and I rewarded her for her kindness and generosity by actually using it IMMEDIATELY rather than using the rug in front of the sofa. I really don't understand why she gets so mad at me when I leave tokens of my appreciation for her there, anyway, where I know she'll be sure to see them when she plops down on the sofa mid-afternoon to watch "All My Children" (which she claims she "hates" but which she insists on watching anyway).

She's soooo conf-mew-sing!!

Monday, February 2, 2009


Meowllo, and welcome to my blog. My name is Dash Mouth, and I have a LOT to say. You may not think it to look at me, but a lot goes on inside my tiny black head. And a lot of it is not pretty, even though I am.

Stay tuned for my first real post, in which I tell you about how this idiot I live with yells at me like a banshee and how I get back at her in ways that do not please her in the least.